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S.W.A.T (Special Weapons and Tactics) to Survive

Whether you’re a first time parent or expecting your second or third, nothing can prepare you for the havoc and mayhem that is about to ensue. Sitting on the sidelines anxiously twiddling your thumbs is never a good option, so here are our tips on how we survive.

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Set up your TCP (Tactical Command Post)

Your TCP should be equipped with

  • A sound device (to distract baby)
  • Sufficient supplies* – the ammunition dump area may be some distance from the TCP, but sufficient supplies should always be maintained at the TCP, for prompt and efficient retrieval. This will allow you to maximize manpower efficiency when disaster strikes.
  • A waterproof, stain-resistant changing mat, to protect the baby and environment from each other

Your essential supplies would include, (at minimum):-

  • Wet wipes
  • Tissue paper
  • Diaper cream
  • Rag / cloth
  • Soft baby face towel
  • Diaper
  • Plastic bag or disposal area

Not all supplies will be utilised for every circumstance. E.g. in case of a sudden frontal assault, you would deploy the rag as a shield until the assault has ceased, place the rag in the plastic bag, wipe remnants with the wet wipes and apply diaper cream, before achieving a decisive victory with a diaper. 

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We recommend mental simulations of how to proceed with various sorts of disasters. Do a walkthrough, talk to yourself, go through the hand gestures. This will level up your confidence and enable you to have a calmer state of mind.

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We do not recommend

Practicing the “just-in-time” model (JIT) with regards to supplies, as early acquisition often translates into cost savings and peace of mind.

Allowing toys into the TCP – these can become unnecessary obstacles and they are not stain resistant, so permanent damage can occur.

 

The Brief and Debrief

SWAT Team members should always maintain an open and clear channel of communication to update each other on the target’s likes, dislikes, schedule etc.

Establish a routine – this lulls the target into feeling a sense of security, as he or she knows what to expect; and what is expected of him / her.

After each incident, debrief each other and run through what could have been improved from your set up. Were the wipes too far? Was there a cable within grabbing reach? Adjust from there and soon you’ll have perfected the art of parenting.

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How to extract a hostage

Have you heard of the Hug and Roll? It’s wise advice, my friend.

However, one cannot allow for the possibility of having the baby roll off the bed, so the bed has to be fortified with a reliable shield wall.

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When seeking assistance, a second SWAT member should make covert entry; place hand strategically on the baby to provide a similar amount of pressure, before transitioning to steady, rhythmic pats, while SWAT team member one makes the extraction.

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If the baby is awake and unable to let go of SWAT team member one, SWAT team member two can consider making a dynamic entry with fanfare and possibly deploy various light and sound diversionary devices. Upon contact, SWAT team member two should immediately move to a stronghold, while SWAT Team member one proceeds to exit via a secured route.

OODA Observe, Orientate, Decide, Act

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In almost every situation, it may be best to observe and decide the best course of action, before springing into action. Immediately leaping to action without due consideration of the potential blow up could be a catastrophic mistake. We’ve had enough of our own offspring frolicking in poop, pee and vomit to realise how vital it is to secure the target first.

KISS Keep It Simple Stupid (we say this with heartfelt affection)

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Try to refrain from confusing and disorientating other SWAT team members with changes to the TCP without forewarning, introducing complicated procedures, or new clothes with overly complicated fastenings, ribbons, strings, ruffles and whatnot. Fancy clothes for a photoshoot are fine, but five layers of clothes that take a good 20 minutes to extract for daily wear? An absolute horror.  

Signs your setup could be improved

-        Repeated requests for more specific instructions on retrieval of supplies

-        Breaches in your defensive strategy

-        Increasing strain and tension among SWAT team members

-        Friendly Fire

We hope you enjoyed some laughs. Parenting may not always be a blast, but it certainly is an unbeatable enriching experience. No other being can infuriate, humour and drive you crazy like your little mini-me.

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For more parenting hacks, listen to episode 3 of our podcast here, or hop on over to our parenting hacks posts here and here.

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